


The Angel (That Haunts My Nightmares)

by EzReality



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dreams/Nightmares, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 11:05:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6655459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzReality/pseuds/EzReality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke struggles to figure out which reality is real. The one on the ground where she has lost the love of her life. Or the one back on the Ark where the love of her life never existed in the first place. Or maybe neither of those options are the true reality, maybe there's a third option.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Angel (That Haunts My Nightmares)

**Author's Note:**

> This has not been beta'd, so any mistakes are my own, if you do find any, please let me know and I'll fix them asap!
> 
> I hope you enjoy, thanks! :D

 

I’m sitting on the edge of the bed. Not daring to look behind me to where I know her blood stains the sheets. The same sheets that covered us the previous night when we finally succumbed to our feelings. In the physical sense at least. But it was enough. And we both knew what it meant.

 

_What it could have meant…_

 

Now it doesn't matter. Nothing matters any more. Not the burden of responsibility. Not the instinctual need to survive. Not even the blood flowing through my veins or the oxygen through my lungs.

 

_None of it matters any more…_

 

The world is empty. It’s ironic really. How I can sit in the top of a tower, in the middle of a city, surrounded by thousands of people, and the world still feels empty. There is so much colour too. The bright greens and browns of nature in the surrounding forests. The creamy stone colour of all the buildings, even the early night sky seems so bright and colourful.

 

_Yet all I can see is grey._

 

My hands are shaking. My whole body shaking. With every shallow breath I take, my body is convulsing uncontrollably. I can hear my teeth chattering together even though it isn’t cold. I know that there are tears still streaming down my face because my visions is slightly blurred. I know that my fingernails are digging into my thighs because I can feel them damp with blood from where they've pierced the skin.

 

_Yet I can’t feel anything at all._

 

There are birds chirping as they fly around the outside of the tower. There is the distant sound of life coming from some marketplace within the city limits. There are soft whispers coming from the other side of the door and louder shouts coming from somewhere further down the hallways. There is even the sound of my own panting breaths as I struggle to inhale enough oxygen.

 

_Yet I can’t hear anything at all._

 

When I blink, for that split second that I close my eyes, I can see her smiling at me. The tender smile that was always so full of warmth and passion. As my eyes open and I lose sight of her smiling face, I quickly close my eyes again hoping to get one final glimpse, but when I do I’m met with the blank lifeless expression that was scarred into my memory as I held her limp body in my arms.

That’s when the realization finally hits me.

I can literally feel my heart pounding in my chest, I can hear it beating through my ears, yet I can’t feel it at all. I can feel the blood running hot through my veins, burning me from the inside out, yet at the same time everything feels cold and numb. My lungs are filled with oxygen, yet it feels as if I’m choking on the very air that I breathe.

 

_She’s really gone._

 

* * *

 

I blink rapidly, fighting back the onslaught of tears, but when I open my eyes I’m no longer in her room. I’m not in her tower or in her city. I’m not even on her earth.

I’m too drained to feel confusion as to where I am, which is why it’s lucky that I recognize my location instantly.

I’m in my cell. My solitary confinement in the juvenile lock-up. The Arks prison in space.

 

_My prison, Cell 319._

 

I blink again, trying to wake myself from what I know must be a dream, but nothing happens.

I look down to my hands and almost don’t recognize them. Instead of the rough, dirty, calloused skin that came with living on the ground, they’re back to the soft, smooth and clean hands that I grew up with living in space.

Almost as if all of the hardship, the struggle, the fight to survive, was never experienced by the hands in front of me. The hands that I look at now are innocent and young, not the hands that have taken hundreds of lives.

They’re not my hands.

I hear the door to my cell opening, but I don’t bother looking up, my gaze is still fixated on the hands of a teenage girl whose biggest worry is her eighteenth birthday. I don’t bother looking up because this can’t be real.

 

_Can it?_

 

“Prisoner 319.”

I barely even hear the person’s voice. It sounds distant, like its being whispered from the other side of a crowded room, yet I can still make out the words.

I still don’t look up though, I can’t tear my eyes away from my own two hands. I hear the person standing in the doorway to my cell cough and repeat their words, but I still don’t bother looking up.

 

_What would be the point?_

 

Eventually they seem to get frustrated with my lack of response and I feel someone picking me up and shuffling me towards the door. My body still feels numb so they basically have to drag me out of the cell. We stop at the door where I hear the person call for another guard to help take me somewhere.

I should probably care where it is that I’m being taken, but I just don’t.

 

_The only thing I care about is gone._

 

The thought makes me feel empty all over again.

 

_Was she even really there in the first place?_

 

I feel them carrying me away from the cell and instead of asking where they’re taking me, I simply close my eyes and wander which reality is real, and which is the nightmare.

 

_Is there really any difference?_

 

* * *

 

I open my eyes, and once again, I’m left wondering what is reality and what is not.

This time I’m not in the tower, I’m not back up on the Ark, I’m not really sure where I am to be honest.

I’m in a simple room, fairly dark, if not dimly lit, probably underground, and going by the familiar architecture, probably somewhere in or near Polis.

I let myself feel a sliver of hope. Maybe neither of the two realities were real, maybe this one is and maybe she’s still alive.

The pace of my heartbeat picks up and I spin around searching for an exit, but as I do my heart stops again and my hope dies.

I’m not alone in the room, but at the same time, I am.

My visions blurs once again but I quickly blink the tears away. What would be the point in letting them fall? I've shed enough tears for, besides it wouldn't change anything.

In the centre of the room is a platform, raised to around waist height. There are flowers and candles scattered all around it, but the form atop the platform is what catches my eye.

The unmoving form of a person simply laying there, still, lifeless. Even though it’s covered, I can tell it’s her. I just know it is.

 

_So it was real…_

 

My mind is conflicted. I want to run and never look back, hide away in the dark and deny that this is really happening, but at the same time I want to move closer and remove the distance between us, try to make up for all of the time we've spent apart.

 

_It’s a bit late for that._

 

The thought is bitter and I can’t help but hate myself a little bit for how true it actually is.

I swallow roughly. It hurts. My throat is so dry that it feels like it’s been replaces with sandpaper, as if I’m dehydrated and stranded in the middle of a scorching desert. I don’t mind though, the pain makes me feel grounded. It’s the first real thing I've felt since this all began.

I can’t leave and I can’t move any closer, so I do the only other thing that I can. I simply stand on the spot and stare at her figure, covered on the platform, mere meters away from me.

I don’t know how long I stand there for, time becomes irrelevant. It’s slightly refreshing actually, to just stand, not thinking, not feeling. Just existing.

But as all good things to, it can’t last. Eventually I feel my legs give out below me, and before I know it I’m lying on the cold stone.

For the first time since opening my eyes in this room I feel a slight panic. My body suddenly feels tired and it’s a struggle to keep my eyes open. I’m not sure why the thought of closing them again terrifies me all of a sudden, but when they do eventually close, I don’t want to open them.

Because what happens if the next time they open, everything is worse than it is now.

Another realization hits me.

 

_I’m alone._

_How can it get any worse?_

 

* * *

 

 

By now I’m not even surprised to see the location change as my eyes open involuntarily.

My vision blurs as if I've just woken from a deep slumber once again, and this time when things finally come back into focus, I realize I’m back on the Ark.

I’m still being held up, my body still feels numb and my head is still lulled against my chest with my eyes fixed on the floor. This time when I hear voices though, I recognize them.

They still sound distant and I can barely make them out, but as I lift my eyes to see who stands before me, everything snaps into focus.

 

_This is it. This is real._

 

“Happy Birthday Clarke.”

The voice belonging to the chancellor holds no joy, but sadness and regret. It should honestly terrify me, but after everything I've been through, even if it wasn't real, I can’t help but find it cynically amusing.

My eyes flick sideways to the other figure standing before me. The woman is crying, she looks distraught with so much emotion. She looks so familiar, but it still takes me a while to recognize her. I know I should feel guilty about that fact. But all of my guilt is taken up elsewhere.

 

_Mom._

 

I blink again and I’m suddenly standing on my own two feet. To my front and back is glass, and I finally realize that I’m standing in the air lock. That’s when it all clicks.

 

_Happy Birthday._

_My eighteenth birthday._

_I’m no longer a minor._

_I’m being floated for my ‘crimes.’_

_This is real._

 

“Don’t worry baby. Everything is going to be okay.” Abby sobs and I wonder whether she’s trying to convince me or herself. “Just close your eyes, everything will be okay.”

I can’t think of anything better, so I do as she says.

 

_It will all be over soon._

 

The though relaxes me.

As I close my eyes I think back to a quote that I read when I was younger.

 

_It’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all._

 

I sigh internally, because I honestly don’t know what to think any more. Is it even possible to fall in love with a fictional character that your own mind dreamt up to fight against the loneliness of solitary confinement?

At the same time though, I remember reading somewhere that it’s impossible to dream of someone you've never actually seen while awake, because your brain just isn’t capable of creating a person’s physical appearance unless it’s from some type of visual memory.

 

_I’m so confused._

 

Was going to the ground, taking the lives of countless people for the sake of my own, changing in the best and worst ways possible and finally falling in love, even real? Or was it simply just a fantasy to cope with being alone in a cold, dark cell?

Or is this the dream now? Is this my brains way of coping with the fact that even after everything that may or may not have happened, I’m back to being alone once again.

Is this my way of dealing with the fact that when I finally accepted my feelings, she was taken away from me before I could even tell her how I really felt.

I’m not sure if it’s better to have loved and lost, because the pain I feel at this moment, every moment, is excruciating. Yet I don’t know if never having felt that love would be any better, because without it, the hole in my heart that I only recently discovered, would have never been filled.

 

_In the end I guess it doesn't really matter._

_I came into this world alone, and I guess I’m going leave it the same way._

_I just want the pain to end._

_I just don’t want to be alone any more._

 

With a sigh of relief and a calmness washing over my body, I accept my fate. My arm shoots up to the wall of the airlock, smashing down on the eject button.

The last thing I hear before being sucked out into oblivion and everything going blank, is the sounds of a heartbroken scream.

* * *

 

I never expected for my eyes to open again. Much less for the heartbroken scream to have been coming from my own throat, to still be coming from my own throat.

 

_Why won’t this just end._

 

Tears blur my vision, my body shakes uncontrollably, and the constant screaming tightens my throat further still.

The screaming ceases though when my throat begins to feel like concrete, so starved of moisture, even as my eyes are almost overflowing.

I force my eyes to close and just will for everything to be over.

 

_When will this nightmare end?_

 

After a few moments, I feel my breathing even out and my body is shaking noticeably less. I turn my head to the side and slowly open my eyes to be met with glaring sunlight coming through an open window.

I sigh at the realization that it must have all just been one long nightmare, and that I must finally be awake. I wonder if it’s wrong that I wish I really was flung out of the Ark’s airlock into space. At least the pain of being alone wouldn't still be there.

 

_This is it then._

_She’s was real._

_And she’s really gone._

_And I’m alone once again._

 

I go to sit up but something is stopping me. There is a pressure on my shoulders keeping me down, and I don’t have enough energy to fight it. Instead I turn my head to look up and my whole body freezes.

 

_I’m still dreaming._

 

A curious eyebrow is raised over impossible green eyes as they stare down at me. I’m pretty sure that I’m no longer breathing because I can’t feel the rise and fall in my chest. The curious expression changes to one of slight worry as a soft hand glides over my cheek tenderly.

“Breathe Klark.”

My name rolls off her tongue as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I can barely suppress the urge to feel the slightest hope that this reality might actually be the real one.

 

_It can’t be real._

 

“It’s okay Klark, you’re okay.”

The voice is soothing as the hand gently strokes my cheeks. It’s at this point that I realize my head is in her lap and I’m lying in her bed, while she leans against the wall.

The soft smile is present on her face as I continue to stare up at her, not willing to waste any chance to memorize every little detail until it inevitably disappears again.

I slowly, cautiously, reach up with my own hand to cup her cheek, half expecting for my hand to go straight through her. It’s a surprise though when my fingers make contact with the soft skin of her cheek and her smile widens as she leans into the contact.

I can’t help the small smile that forms on my own face as I see her lean into my hand. There is so much love in her eyes as she looks down at me continues to caress my cheek.

“Lexa?” I choke out, my own voice sounding foreign and sleepy.

“Sha, I am here Klark.” Her voice is soft, reassuring.

My hand on my cheek, hers on mine, the look in her eyes, the care in her voice, it all feels so real. More real than anything has ever felt before.

 

_Could this actually be real?_

_No, it can’t be. She died…_

 

“Y-You died…” Again I feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but before I can blink them away, soft fingers are wiping them away for me with all the gentleness and care in the world.

“It was just a nightmare Klark.” She whispers.

I almost choke at her words, and it makes me want to cry even more.

 

_How do I know I’m not still dreaming?_

 

“But it felt so real…” I admit, with defeat evident in my voice.

Her expression seams to soften even further as she takes both of my hands in her own. She takes one hand and raises is up to rest above her heart, and lowers the other to rest above my own.

“This,” she presses slightly down at both points of contact as if to emphasize her words, “is real, Klark.”

 

_But what if it’s not…?_

_What if it’s not and I’m still alone…?_

 

The thought breaks me even further. I can’t take any more of the push and pull of these emotions. The hope and hopelessness is unbearable, I just can’t take it any more.

She must sense my emotions, because just before my body begins to tremble uncontrollably, she slides down into the bed next to me and pulls me into her arms.

Her tight hold around me helps a little bit, but it doesn't completely stop the shaking of my body, or the tears that stream down my face.

 

_This might be the last time I see her._

 

I don’t want to believe it, but I know it might true. When she pulls me into her arms, mine instinctively wrap around her body as my face buries itself into her neck and my eyes closed against my will.

And just like that, I’m once again I’m terrified to open my eyes. Because I don’t think I’ll be able to take it if when I do, I’m somewhere else again.

So instead, I just lay there, clutching her body as she holds me against hers. I’m not willing to risk losing this moment by opening my eyes and finding out that it all just part of a never-ending nightmare.

I decide that even if this isn’t real, and even if I am about to wake up in some different reality, whether it be back on the Ark where she never existed, or still on the ground where she no longer exists, I have to tell her. She deserves to know how I feel.

 

_I have to tell her._

 

“I love you.”

It comes out as a whisper, barely even that, and I doubt she would have even been able to hear it, even if she was real. But it still feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Whether that weight be admitting my feelings to her, or just admitting them to myself.

It makes it easier to accept the fact that when I open my eyes everything will be different again, everything will be changed, and she will be gone.

 

_I’ll be alone, but at least in that moment, that one single moment, I knew what it felt like to be in love._

 

I take a deep breath and lean back, slowly opening my eyes and waiting for them to adjust after being closed for so long.

When they eventually do come into focus, the world around me is empty.

All that I can see, all that I can comprehend, all that I even care about, is the soft smile and bright green eyes inches away from my own face.

“I love you too, Klark.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :D
> 
> I've never written in first person before, so I'm slightly anxious about how it went, so any and all tips are welcome!
> 
> Feel free to hit me up on Tumblr if you want! - ezreality7.tumblr.com
> 
> If you have any questions I'd be happy to answer them here or on Tumblr!


End file.
